I have been thinking about this for a few weeks. I have been reading alot of things that upset me. Although I love getting other perspectives on things, this particular opinion hurts my heart. I have been reading lots of posts on other blogs and have also been reading the responses. Alot of what is being said is basically that adoptive parents are baby snatchers. Open adoption is a lie and we have coerced young, unexpectedly pregnant women into giving their babies to us. Well as I pondered this and thought if this was true in "my case" I came up with this.
~We were introduced to Sam's birthmom by HER Uncle, they had no idea what we looked like, there was no shiny profile, no "oh hey, look at us we're perfect". It was just a plain and simple, she was pregnant and wanted to make an adoption plan, a decision that had nothing to do with us.
~Next was when we met, we talked and answered questions for 6 hrs. with the birthparents and their moms. We didn't hold a gun to their head and say pick us, but they still did because they believed we would be good parents for their little boy.
~Moving on through the next 3 months, we got to know each other better and told each other our fears and concerns and how we would ALL like everything to be. We took their lead on everything, never forced them to do anything.
~Now for the day our son came into this world. We did not go to the hospital as per their request. We waited to hear the news with a phone call. We waited and waited....we thought he was to be born around noon and we hadn't heard anything all day. Finally at about 7:30pm we couldn't take not knowing if B was ok if Sam was ok and we texted M's mom (B is birthmom & M is birthdad) and asked how they were? She called back and said you have a son!! We got all the details and then waited to her from B's mom. Well we didn't get that phone call til the morning. Now for anyone that has done adoption before knows this waiting is extremely hard. Yes, we did hear from M's mom but needed to hear we would still be parents from B's mom and those 13 hrs were very long. My point of this being we NEVER called and harrassed them to find out, we waited and prayed til they called on their own to tell us to come to Philly.
~So, now we are in Philly in front of the hospital and we call to say we are there and B's mom tells us that B isn't up to seeing us right now. Well honestly we thought we were experiencing another failed adoption :( We turned the car around and were headed to my aunts. We did not storm the hospital and say "hell no we won't go" and demand to see "our" baby. After all it was her baby and she had every right to see who she wanted too and when she was ready. As we were on our way, we got another phone call saying, "ok, you can come but, she wants to hold the baby while you're here" to which we said "of course". We went and saw him and B asked if I wanted to hold Sam and I said "no" its ok, you hold him. She said no, I really want you to. So... I did and it took everything I had not to kiss and snuggle him and cry when I did. I did not want to make her upset or uncomfortable, she was allowing me to hold him. when she clearly didn't want to at first and I wanted to respect that. We stayed about an hour and left, so she could have that precious time with him.
~Now for discharge at the hospital. We were to wait alllll dayyyy til B went home before we could go to the hospital to get Sam. She didn't want to see us leave with Sam. I totally get that. And we respected that and did as they asked. As we left the hospital I called B's mom to tell her we did have him and that all was ok.
~ Fast forward the week and we get a text from B asking if she could see him again before we go back to NY. Well again, we thought because she didn't want us to hold him or see us leave with him, she had changed her mind and was going to tell us she wanted him back. They had signed the papers the day before, but they had 45 days after that to change their mind. And even though we thought that we said ok, and went over their house the next night. We didn't just skip town and say heyyy if you want him back come to NY, we did what was right for Sam, for B and for us.Well she just wanted to see him and love him and take pictures and it was the best thing we ever did. That one night with their family made us all a real family.
~ Present day...us trying to adopt again. We have had 3 emotional scammers since we have been trying, my thoughts on this are too much to get into right now but I think we have had them because we are so open. We believe in open adoption. I know there are alot of PAP's that promise it and don't want it but, we do. And I think this is why I am able to be sucked in by these emotionally needy women. I also think that I have let it go to far because I DO NOT want to be coercive. I give info so they can talk to other women considering adoption as well as other woman who have. I never push them to make a decision, in fact I tell them they should take their time. I actually just take the time to get to know each other. Well unfortunately this gets taken advantage of. And now although I really want to be very open and give as much space as needed, I am a little more guarded with my time and my emotions. Any way I digress.
So am I a baby snatcher???? What do you think?
Love is a Language
2 months ago